first attempt at a new form of creating

I am not entirely sure how to write what I want to write with this post, but I know that writing has a healing effect on me, and I want to write about this. I had a miscarriage on Wednesday. I was eight weeks and one day into the pregnancy. It was the first miscarriage I had that was a confirmed pregnancy, although having experienced it, I wonder if I have had a very early miscarriage once before. J and I celebrated ten years of marriage this past December, and this was the first time we were sure I had gotten pregnant. It was after a surgery to remove some polyps from my uterus that were apparently the problem both with my fertility and with the severe cramping I always had during that time of the month. We were both ecstatic that we were going to have a baby, and had to work really hard not to shout it out to the world. We told family and tried to leave it at that. We needed help with getting me to appointments since I am not currently okay to drive because of my epilepsy. Sunday evening, I started spotting. (I think it was Sunday. I was napping and exhausted through all of this, and the days were a blur.) I went to the doctor on Tuesday and got my HCG levels checked. They were borderline okay. I was told to rest and not do any strenuous activity. I obeyed that counsel to the letter, hardly getting up unless I needed to eat or use the restroom, or unless my dog needed to go out and no one else was at the house. (It would be easier on me to take him out than to clean up after him.) On Wednesday, I continued to bleed, and we went in to get me checked again. My HCG levels were down significantly; I had lost the baby. I had cried a lot while I was wondering and waiting after things started to take a turn for the worse. I didn't have very many tears left in me. At first, I felt numb and frightened. Then I felt peace. I don't know when a spirit joins with the body of a baby to make the living soul - if it is in the womb or after birth or somewhere in between. I felt that one of two things had happened. Either the baby was such a noble spirit that he/she didn't need to be tested or to learn in mortal life, and is already waiting for us in heaven, or if the spirit had not yet joined with the body, this little one is still waiting impatiently for another chance to come and join our family. Either thought is comforting. I don't know which way it works, or if there is something else going on that I can't quite comprehend with my mortal perspective. But for all of my tears and disappointment, I do feel that all is well, that the Lord knows what He is doing, and when the time is right, He will bless us with children. I will be able to join in that pinnacle of creativity and help to bring a new life into this world. It is a matter of waiting on the Lord's timing. In the meantime, I am comforted to know that I can be certain that I am able to get pregnant - my body is capable of it. For many years I was not sure of that. My husband and I will be able to create a new life and teach and raise the little one. When that happens, it will be a great joy.