Anxiety and a house that won't behave

It has been quite a while since I have blogged, and I don't quite know where to start. I already wrote about the first miscarriage I had. I got pregnant on the rebound from that one, and then miscarried again. My doctor told J and me to wait a while and let my body heal. We are working on that. I feel peaceful about it. I had my time to cry, and it occurred to me that either I have some children who were so noble that they didn't need much time on earth to learn, or I have some children still waiting for me to successfully make a body for them so they can come to earth and start their journey. Either scenario is comforting. I don't know when the spirit joins the body - whether it happens in utero or around birth time. I don't need to know; the Lord can be in charge of that. One major frustration for me right now is that our house is not behaving. We have a brick house with a porch that was enclosed a while after the house was built. Whoever did the enclosure did not have as much construction skill as possible; there is a leak in between the house and the sun porch. When we first got the house, we thought it was because the asphalt shingle roof was old and the shingles were starting to peel. We got a metal roof and put it on. It still leaks. We have tried a few different things to try to help - fixing the facia board on the front of the house, checking other things, I don't even know all of what we have done offhand. We finally called in a contractor, and he is just as baffled as we are. He has more ideas of what it could be, and it has gotten better, but is not fixed all the way. When I talked to him last, he said he was going to call a friend of his, a retired contractor, to come in and have a look at it. You know something crazy is going on when a contractor calls in the big guns like that. I hope we can get it resolved soon to minimize the water damage. I would also like to be able to walk into the sun porch without having to step over the buckets! J and I had a talk this morning about my anxiety. I didn't realize I had anxiety issues until some medical testing was done on me that wasn't really related to my mental health - it was for a completely different reason. I guess it makes sense that I have anxiety issues now. My short-term memory is messed up from a high fever I had almost eleven years ago, and I don't really feel like I can trust what I think or remember half the time. I was diagnoses with severe clinical depression about fourteen years ago. It took a few years after that for the doctors to realize that the antidepressant meds weren't doing anything, and that there was a cycle to my depression - I had seasonal affective disorder. So I have a light therapy lamp now, and I have learned lots of coping techniques with therapy. I am still learning how to cope with anxiety. This is a big one to figure out because too much stress makes me more likely to have a seizure. It is also difficult because it is harder to get the coping techniques into my long-term memory. When I get frustrated and feel down or anxious, I end up like a child throwing a tantrum, but I have a hard time recognizing that I am overreacting until after the fact. I feel thoroughly overwhelmed as I am faced with the prospect of figuring out how to change my behavior. I don't know how to deal with this, and I have a hard time teaching myself to change because of my memory, because I am stubborn, and just because I feel so scared. J suggested doing what I frequently do to cope - to write about it. He thinks it would be good to start by writing down the things that precede the temper tantrums - how I feel, what I am doing, what I am thinking, etc. Then when we have more of an idea of what is going on, we can come up with some ideas of what to try, and start trying different things until we find something that works better than me yelling and crying and feeling alone and useless. So we are going to buy some little memo books when we go grocery shopping this evening, and I am going to try to learn to change, even with a memory that makes it hard for me.